Restaurant Critics Lie

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Around the time that SARS hit Toronto, I  was working in an offshoot of a well established Toronto restaurant. that rhymes with bEDO. We we're struggling to get off the ground, when I had the pleasure of serving an elitist moron who was the son of one of Canada's great authors and in a conflagration of poor judgment had been granted the position of food critic in a still fledgling national newspaper of dubious reputation.

(update: the publication is still fledgling and still dubious)

I wish my Daddy's reputation could get me a job like that. For arguments sake, lets call this person bRichler, though I will avoid any reference to bathroom breaks, sniff sniff.

I served Mr. bRichlers table that night, it was a party of three, they had ordered sushi and then mains. I brought the sushi course, which was then consumed. After that the critics friends disappeared for a long long time, and frankly if I had the misfortune of knowing this spoiled moron, I would probably do the same.

But I'm your waiter, and I don't know that your friends are so bored with your company that they have fled to the bar upstairs to spend more quality time in the bathroom. I tell the kitchen not to fire the mains, thinking that Mr. bRichlers skittish friends are going to return.

They never do, but the following day, I get to open up the Bational Boast and watch good friends get pilloried by some born to the manor twat (who may or may not benefit greatly from rehab and a reality sandwich). On a personal level, I was left unscathed, but it was clear to me that these folks didn't know the difference between dining and eating.

Fortunately, the gentleman who owns this ill fated joint is blessed with another review in another national newspaper, and this time it comes from someone who attends the same synagogue. Lets call her, Boanne Bates, for arguments sake.

I then open up another national newspaper, (lets call it the Glib and Drole) only to find the same restaurant is one of the most brilliant things ever.

The thing is, that I served Ms. Bates. Once when she came in with her husband, and on a subsequent visit where she spoke with the owner, someone that she had previously to as " attractive and charming" in a previous review. I felt a sexual tension in the air that left me surprised that Ms. Bates did not get on her knees under the table in full view of her husband.

But hey, I'm just the waiter and that is not my concern. Ms. Bates later went on to vilify another well known Toronto restaurant run by the exact same chef, providing a similar menu. Perhaps the owners should have spent their Sundays somewhere else.

Next time you read a restaurant review, take it with a grain of salt, consider the source, and remember that the words you read may have an agenda that you cannot see.

Eat, drink, and think, for yourself.

And by the way, to all libel lawyers out there, I am implying that Jacob Richler is a cokehead and Joanne Cates is a liar. Any takers?

http://www.goyestoeverything.com

He's Gotta Have It

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Its good to admit when you have a problem, when you realise that your dark need to satiate your overwhelming urges forces you to seek out the street in search of feeding that thirst that can never be fully quenched in the way it was that first time.

My problem first started in Vietnam, Saigon to be exact. I hoped that Hanoi would change things, but it didn't. It only got worse. I figured that once I got back to Canada, I could let it go, forget about things and put it behind me once and for all. Pick up the pieces and move on. But I couldn't.

Thus it was that I found myself wandering the streets of Chinatown, peering into darkened doorways, looking for that familiar lettering that let me know that the mist rising from that impossible bowl was purveyed here, that the agonising drip of the brown elixir into the cauldron of stilled whiteness might be gleaned within these florescent walls and that I could be made whole again, if only for a moment.

As I walked in, I felt my desperation permeate the room. I needed it bad and I needed it now. I can barely enunciate as my choking throat gasps out the order. It seems like an eternity, but within a few scant moments it arrives.The edible version of my great white whale.

A steaming hot bowl of pho and a Vietnamese iced coffee. I squeeze the lime, add the sprouts and tear off the leaves of whatever that herb is and dig in. I eat, mesmerised by the coffee slowly dripping before me. And for a moment the world is perfect.

I think to myself, yeah, Hanoi was pretty awesome, but Toronto isn't too shabby either.

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Ann Coulter, Professional Victim?

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Ann Coulter is a brilliant self promoter, the Paris Hilton of political porn.

Her formula is as simple as it is infantile. Piss off everybody, while leaving a shred of the tried and true "I was only joking, and why are you all so uptight? " defense in every utterance.

While I may be a bleeding heart, I am also intelligent enough to recognise that Ms. Coulter and her odious and divisive brand of shameless self promotion in no way reflects the opinion of those who support our current prime minister. Seriously, some of my best friends vote Conservative.

Ms. Coulter's views are clearly unCanadian, from her assertion that Jews are unperfected Christians, that women shouldn't be allowed to vote, and that Muslim countries should be carpetbombed. As offensive as Ms. Coulter may be, her brilliance should not go unnoticed.

She has made a career out of manipulating every outrageous situation she ever created for her own personal benefit, and she just pulled it off again.

She made some purposely racist comment ("I was just joking") in regards to question about a remark she made several years earlier when she proposed that Muslim people should not be allowed to fly and if they didn't like it "they should take a magic carpet".

A few days ago a Muslim student at The University Of Western Ontario asked Ms. Coulter what she should do, given that she did not own a magic carpet. Ms. Coulter replied that she should "take a camel".

And, the game was on.

Ms Coulter immediately claimed that she wanted to give a thoughtful answer, but she was being heckled, so the best she was able to come up with was a quip. After all she's just a girl who by her own admission is too stupid to risk enfranchising with the vote, yet alone taking responsibility for her own past stupidity, and "why is everyone against me, I'm just a girl?".

The outraged left falls into the trap by issuing a warning to Ms. Coulter about Canadian Hate Speech  Law, that prohibits inciting hatred against identifiable groups. This outrages Ms. Coulter, because she makes her money by inciting hatred against identifiable groups. I figure that if you want to bust someone for committing a crime, the last thing you do is give them advance notice.

Like a true reptilian, she counters with the absurd threat that the letter she received constitutes an act of hate against an identifiable group: psychopathic douchebags who enjoy enflaming the stupid.

To top things off, the trademark Offended And Outraged Group International  had to show up and force Ms. Coulter to cancel her dark circus in Ottawa.

Point, Ms. Coulter.

Now she gets to go back to US network television and claim that she had to flee Canada in the face of violent protest that forced her to cancel her speech under the threat of arrest by the Canadian government.

Way to take the bait, you reactionary idiots. I say let the woman talk, her stupidity speaks for itself.

http://www.goyestoeverything.com

Memo To British Columbians

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Dudes, thanks for an awesome party. Sorry 'bout that Georgian sled guy, but Rogge and that Vanoc guy promised that his name would never be forgotten. Lets face it, it was a rough start, but no one remembers his name now. Do you?

The main thing is that our country and our athletes did well and that our Prime Minister manged to do everything he could to associate himself with the success of others while taking us on a collective vacation from the facade of democracy. Ahhh 1936, so many memories.

Thanks again for a great party, but I gotta run, cos it looks like the waiter is headed to your table with a very large and stupidly unexpected tab. Maybe I can duck out the back door like Mr. Harper.

Greg Stock
Head Of The Toronto 2000andNeverCommittee

In Memory Of  Nodar Kumaritashvili  

My deepest sympathies to the family of a young man who lost his life too soon, lest we forget.

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Ten Countries To Avoid This Year

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•  1. The United States.    Post 911, America is still one of the most frightened and paranoid nations on the planet. It remains a place where outsiders are greeted with suspicion from the get go. In general, they don't want you to visit and the populace is mostly averse to traveling to "strange places". Best to leave well enough alone, despite the stunning array of destinations. Throw in an appalling domestic airline industry and you'll understand why the United States is number one on my "No Fly" list. What a shame, cos there is so much too see.

• 2. Nigeria.   The cities of Nigeria are a really good place to have someone step over your decaying body while doing nothing. A wholly corrupt society utterly lacking in moral principles and a populace beaten into submission by an evil and despicable regime.
• 3. Myannmar Surprisingly, it is not that difficult to get into this incredibly repressive depository of human suffering
• 4. Canada From questionable dealings with its aboriginal peoples, to the disaster that is The Alberta Tar Sands, to an environmental record that is the shame of the world Canada needs to recognize the big disconnect between its image and its actions.
• 5. Haiti. Unless you're a professional connected to a legitimate organisation that can help people, stay the hell out. In the meantime, give as much as you can to your favourite charity.
• 6. Russia Another country with a wealth of riches, but the Stalinist cult of personality created by Putin puts this place on my "not to do list"
• 7. Honduras Another "banana republic" where The West looked the other way as a democratically electded leftist government was illegally overthrown. Anyone remember Jean Bertrand Aristide? See number five.
• 8. Indonesia A recent wave of anti Christian violence makes this already worrisome locale even more so. The cause of the problem is a recent Supreme Court decision restricting the depiction of Mohammed (may peace be upon him) by non Muslims
• 9. Somalia In an odd reversal, Somaliland has become more accessible than Somalia.However, neither would be on my go to list.
• 10. Mexico Waves of drug violence continue to plague certain parts of this country. Much of the rest of the country is overcome by a plague of all inclusive resorts. Choose your destinations carefully.

DISCLAIMER
Obviously The United States is way better than Nigeria, and Canada is not comparable to Myannmar. This list is not meant to compare these countries. It is meant to shine a light upon countries where tourist dollars can alter behaviour within the context of the country and its current progression. Each country on the list is underperforming within its own context.

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Enlightlement, Butt With Exceptions

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When I was in Ghana, I learned a lot about people treating others with respect. Unfortunately, when I came back to Canada, I learned even more about the stupid culture of blame that seems to drive our childish need to blame others for the reality we create.

I was having a cigarette outside the bar that I work at. Of course, I was forced to do this by law, because "society" collectively decided that I should not be allowed to smoke indoors, because of the air quality issues that it creates for others, and I can respect the merit of that decision.

Ghana taught me a lot about people treating each other with respect, and I was filled with that sense of respect as I flicked a cigarette into the drain. A passerby chastised me for doing so.In fact, he did not merely chastise me, he berated me. 

In my Ghana/Zen state, I was too astonished to respond. I guess being away had made me forget how judgmental we had become and here it was smacking me in the face.

The guy was right. I should not throw my cigarette butts just anywhere. If it was a coke bottle or plastic bag that I was throwing onto the public domain people would be outraged. Why should a cigarette butt be any different?

I understand this concept of respecting others right to exist in decent conditions. The thing I don't get is why are people allowed to pollute the environment as a matter of course because they own a car? One ride to the corner store equals all the smoke and butts that I will produce in a lifetime.

These are the thoughts that went through my mind as I watched this angry little man get into his sport ute parked across the street.

Just because I can't smell the shit you're spewing does not mean that you're not spewing it, but apparently the agreed reality is that smoking is bad, but buying a new vehicle every two years is good. Screw the planet, its my right to consume whatever I can afford.

Personally, I think y'all can put a fork in us, we're done. The intractability of our own habits will gleefully allow us to condemn our children in the name of our own selfishness.

The little man was right to yell at me, though. I shouldn't be throwing cigarette butts into sewers, or anywhere else. The sad thing is that his anger is a reaction to a game that has already been played by a mentality that  is so far behind the curve that it fails to see the fact that the game is over and the only question remaining is how long can we cling to our illusions before they destroy us?

So I am no longer throwing my cigarette butts into the street or sewer. However, I have the distinct feeling that this might not be enough to turn the planet around.

I love kids, but I'm kind of glad I don't have any. I really don't want to witness them facing the consequences of our actions. I say consume away, the sooner we can end human existence, the better off the planet will be.

And we all love the planet, don't we? Almost (but not quite enough to make a difference) as much as we love ourselves.

http://www.goyestoeverything.com

DVD Buy Awakens TIFF Memories

In 2004, like now, I was working two jobs. I had a lunch gig at a downtown restaurant that ended around three in the afternoon and I was also working at one of the venues for The Toronto International Film Festival beginning at six in the evening. This left me a three hour window to see a film everday.

One of the great perks I get as an employee of TIFF is ten free advance tickets and I can use my staff pass in any "rush" line (its like flying standby) to obtain a free ticket, including Press and Industry screenings.

On this particular day I chose a film titled "Scared Sacred", by fellow Canadian Velcrow Ripper. It turned out to be the most moving cinematic experience of my life.

The theme of the film is that Mr. Ripper travels to the "Ground Zeros'" of the world to explore how people cope with the worst possible atrocities that humanity inflicts upon itself.

To my recollection, he visits The Killing Fields, Bhopal, Auschwitz, Hiroshima and other locales. While the film wrenches your gut as people testify to the horrors of their experience, it is an astonishing testament to the resiliency of the human spirit. It was a remarkable experience being among the first to see this film with Mr. Ripper present and many in the audience weeping openly.

He gave a Q and A afterwards, and I can attest that he is a very talented and wise soul.



Mr. Ripper also has a new film coming out called "Fierce Light" which premiered at the Hot Docs Film Festival recently. The film deals with people who challenge authority from the grassroots level.

I deeply hope that Mr. Ripper gains a wide audience, as he has a lot to teach us.



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